I really don't know why Chistopher Blaine has stopped writing blogs. He's MIA. And I think he's strung out on some serious drugs. And hanging with some strange women.
I keep calling his house to ask when he's going to turn his column in and I get this really eager "Yessir, Boss," early in the day. Sounding really eager to please, you know?
But no blog ever arrives.
So I call back and no one answers. Finally on my 13th telephonic try, Blaine picks up the phone abruptly, his voice husky with Whiskey and Vicadin, and he tells me he's going to kill me if I don't stop harassing him. Then he threatens to reassign my wives to new husbands. I then remind him I'm divorced -- and that even when married only had one wife. And Chris goes all weird and silent for a moment.
"Wha the fug don' you stop calling me?" he asks.
"Because you owe me a blog, Doofus," I answer.
Then I hear a teenage girl with a cute Kentucky accent scream, "NO, Daddy! Don't start the apocalypse!!" And the phone goes dead.
I'm planning an intervention for Chris. His drunken, heroin-fueled behavior has started to attract the attention of the cops. I was questioned by the feds about him the other day. Something about "plural marriage," whatever that is.
I was looking online the other day and found that Chris has a sexual offender profile in the state of Kentucky. And, like, 70 children from multiple wives.
So all I have to say is Chris is this: START WRITING YOUR DAMN BLOG OR I'M GOING TO PUBLISH EVERY BIT OF EVIDENCE I'VE ACCUMULATED ABOUT YOUR ALTERNATE LIFESTYLE.
Sincerely,
Your publisher.
REG ID: 8675309
NAME: BLAINE, CHRISTOPHER WHISKEY
ALIASES: BUENO EXCELLENTE
DOOKEY N. MYHINEY
BIRTH DATE: 1-21-69
SEX: Male
Race: White
HEIGHT: 6'6
On supervised release
Offense: CRIMES FROM OTHER STATES/TERRITORIES/COUNTRIES
Age of Victims: 17 through 109.
Remarks: Unable to determine which of the female victims is actually married to him and which just think they are.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment